our love story, part iii

This part of our story doesn't necessarily fit into a time line as it has been a significant part of our relationship from the very beginning. When I met Andrew, January 18, 2002, I was nursing my knee because I thought I had hurt my knee playing soccer. I went to my orthopedic surgeon, we scheduled a surgery to fix a very small tear in my meniscus, but not long before I was going to have surgery, my other knee became swollen and sore. My orthopedic surgeon did a blood test and when the results came in, February 2002, I found out that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Just a quick tutorial: RA is an autoimmune disorder where your white blood cells that are supposed to protect your body from harm begin to overproduce and attack your joints. If gone untreated, it causes severe joint deformation and eventually, you are unable to move at all. If caught early, RA can be treated with drugs and your body can be halted from doing any further harm to itself.

I remember leaving the appointment and calling Andrew. We hadn't known each other for much longer than a month but he made me promise I would call him and let him know what I found out. When I called, I remember that he was asking questions about exactly what it was and what that would mean for me. Neither of us really knew the extent this would affect our lives but he made sure that I knew he would be there with me as I dealt with it.

Over the following months, my RA worsened quickly. My entire body was overwhelmed with pain and inflammation. It was difficult to walk because my feet were sore. It was difficult to pick up anything because my wrists and hands hurt to touch. After laying or sitting for a while, getting up was incredibly pain staking because my joints would "stick" in the previous place. I remember the severe pain that no one really understood and a depression that I quite quickly fell into.

I had played soccer since I was four and was diagnosed with RA right before my final season. There was no way I could run down the field and kick a ball when I could barely get out of bed. I had lost control over my body, but I controlled what I ate. I quit eating regularly and lost about 30 pounds while trying to deal with this autoimmune disorder I didn't ask for and frankly, didn't deserve.

My parents and I were on a quest for medications to make my pain disappear. We went through 3 rheumatologists, numerous medications and nothing was really working. The pain would decrease slightly with one medication but it would make me dizzy or others wouldn't work at all. I was angry while my family and Andrew felt helpless.

Though he couldn't be with me all the time, he made sure I knew that he was thinking about me. After doctors' appointments, Andrew made sure to follow up and see what was said or what happened. We were 17 years old, he was in his first year at UGA while I was still in Franklin and he stuck with me. Nothing can represent his love for me more than one of the nights he was visiting me at home and I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk up the stairs to my bedroom. Days like this would come and go and I would normally just sleep in a bed downstairs. This was the first time he had seen me this bad and he refused to let it stop me from sleeping in my bed. Andrew picked me up in his arms, carried me up the stairs, put me into bed and made sure that I was comfortable before letting me go to sleep.

We were 17...this isn't something you are supposed to deal with at 17...this is something no one should ever have to deal with. I would have understood if he had run away, but he didn't. Before that day, I knew I loved him. It was that moment where I knew that I wanted him to be with me forever. If we had to deal with this for the rest of our lives, I wanted him to be the one carrying me up the stairs.

Time passed, better medication came along and I was better able to deal with my RA and the pain that came along with it. The pain still existed, but I saw a positive future ahead of me. I started eating again, put weight back on, was able to play soccer (though on a limited basis) and there was hope.

In my freshman year at UGA, after dealing with RA for almost 2 years, my dad found the drug that made me "me" again. Enbrel is the best thing that ever happened to me. After I started taking Enbrel, I was able to start exercising again, pain didn't dictate my daily schedule and life returned to normal.

Even after Enbrel, my wrists still cause problems for me. Sometimes there are really close to normal, other days have morning stiffness, soreness after extensive use and sometimes there are weeks that are filled with pain. I deal with it, appreciate that this pain is not all over my body and try to move on. I can remember so many times when Andrew and I would be wrestling or just picking on each other and I would hit my wrist on something, he would accidentally move it the wrong way or it would get caught underneath me in an awkward way. The pain was excruciating, the playing would stop and Andrew's eyes would fill with worry like that you only see from people who love you most. He would apologize profusely even though it wasn't his fault, stay by my side as I waited for the pain to pass and help me take special care of it for the rest of the day.

There are still occasional flare-ups that I have to deal with but on a daily basis, I live like any other "normal" person. I have an amazingly supportive family: parents that are constantly looking for ways to make me better, siblings who are always making sure I am okay and Andrew who gives me strength and love that helps me through.

Rheumatoid Arthritis has always been a part of our relationship but it has never defined it.

To be continued...

family

The lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born. ~Pearl S. Buck

I ran across this quote while looking for inspiration for a project on the internet and fell in love with it. My family, though not always in my immediate life, is a part of me and the presence of that family helped shape me into the person I am today. Because I have this amazing extended family, this quote resonates with me.

While in a moment of inspiration, I showed this quote to Andrew and he challenged my thoughts (which I love). Though we are both from large extended families whom we love, can we say that that is what made us more emotionally secure? Are we emotionally secure?

In the midst of this election which we are both enthralled with, he brought up Barack Obama. He was brought up by a single mother who then left him with his grandparents while she went overseas. His family was his grandparents. Is he emotionally insecure? If you have read his autobiography, you will see how he struggled with his identity in his youth but was this due to a lack of extended family or his mixed-race identity? Did he achieve this emotional security on his own or was it due to his grandparents?

Regardless of what you believe, I do believe that our extended families help us feel more secure in our identities. We are bound to this group of people from birth no matter our similarities and differences. Knowing that I have that family makes me feel more secure because I know that no matter what, they love me. They are proud of me for my accomplishments and love me in spite of my faults.

My definition of this family is not bound to those who are still with us. Though I never met my grandmothers, I often feel them in my life. Having been named for my paternal grandmother and favoring my maternal grandmother somehow gave me a sense of greater connection to them. After hearing stories about them from my parents and family, I feel like I know them. They affect me and my emotional security just as much as those who are physically present.

I think it can all be summed up in (yes, you guessed it) another quote.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
-- Jane Howard

welcome to my brain

Here is a glimpse of what has been going through my brain today. Trust me, this doesn't even scratch the surface but I don't want to scare you away.

It is way too cold in my house to get out of bed right now. Why are we so stubborn that we won't turn on the heat when it is 40 degrees outside?

I absolutely love these Beasley kids. Yes, I had to get up at 6:45 this morning when I could have been in bed until 9:00 but it doesn't matter. These kids, this family, is all worth it.

I am so excited to have kiddos with Andrew. We'll be fantastic parents. I hope we'll be great parents. Oh hell, I'll just settle for good.

Pre-teen boys are hilarious. They are awkward but don't know it. They think they're cool when they are wearing braces, their voices are starting to change and can't even drive yet. These kids will change the world one day and I want to be a part of that.

I don't need to take a shower before I go to class today. I'll just put my hair in a ponytail and no one will ever know. Do I smell, no. Alright then.

Childhood obesity is so sad. What has happened in our country? Kids don't move anymore. Parents don't have the money to feed their kids healthy food. How can I change this?

This weather is amazing! I'm so glad I walked to school today! I love all of these Obama signs in these yards. What will our country be like with him as President? I am so excited for the future of this country if he is elected. Oh no, what if McCain is elected? Canada sounds good. Maybe Vancouver. Yeah, Vancouver.

Awww, this home for the aged makes me sad. I wonder how many people go and visit their family members there. Maybe I should volunteer to be someone's buddy there? Is that possible? I wonder if they're watching me from their windows. Creepy.

Dr. D. should have retired 10 years ago but he is still going strong. He may be going a little crazy, though, since he keeps stopping this movie every 5 seconds to give us his opinion instead of allowing us to form our own.

I really want to have a big fat cheeseburger with onion rings and a coke. Instead, I will have a turkey burger with fries and a diet pepsi. Why do I do this to myself?

Aahhhh, gmail. What did I do before I had you in my life? You are amazing and you make my life much more manageable.

Okay, so Andrew isn't sure about being an Anesthesiologist Assistant. Okay. So our plans are changed a little. Did we have real plans anyway? I just want Andrew to be happy. Man I can't wait until I can see him everyday! What do I need to be doing for the wedding?

Dr. S. has some major cleavage showing. Why am I looking at her cleavage? Shared equity just might be the thing that can bring affordable housing to millions of people.

Maybe I should go to law school. I would be a good lawyer. It would help me do things I can't do without a law degree. hhmmmmmm.....

Yay! Laurel is home. Haven't seen her in a long time. Not really, just a couple of days. I missed her. Who would have ever thought that I would miss my sister when we hated each other for years!?!?!?

Aahhh, I don't have to think about saving the world anymore today. Oh wait, I want to save the world for my job. Oh wait, the economy sucks, will I be able to find a job? Whew, there are still some jobs on idealist.org. Maybe I can still save the world. Now, what can I do to save the world?

Do I want to do a blog tonight? I am really tired. I need to look over my tutoring for tomorrow. I really think I'm going to like these kids, except for that one who is going to drive me crazy. Maybe he was assigned to me for a reason beyond myself. I hope he can learn from me. I hope I can learn from him. Do I want to do a blog tonight? Maybe I can blog about all these random thoughts in my head...

heaven on my feet

It's official:

I now own the most perfect pair of shoes to grace this earth! When I see them, my heart flutters and my feet begin to ache just to get inside them.

For the past three years, I have been in search of a pair of camel colored, flat, tall, leather boots. Yes, that is a lot for one pair of shoes to achieve but I finally found them! After searching at the end of the summer, I found these BCBG boots on Piperlime but didn't really have the money to spend on them. A month later, I went to check in on them and they weren't on the website.

I googled them in a panic and couldn't find anywhere that was selling them...my heart was broken but my wallet was happy. Then in my last ditch effort, I googled them once more and found them! Though my pockets are not deep these days, I decided it was worth it to scrimp for a while to get those boots that are an investment.

Without further ado, the boots that will be on my feet a lot the fall and winter seasons...

my view

Hopefully everyone watched the Presidential debate Tuesday night that was held at Belmont University. It just so happens that Belmont is approximately 5 blocks away from my house, Laurel and I both have cameras we have been aching to use and there was a lot to photograph that night outside the debate hall. Instead of giving you the whole story in written form (because that would take 10 posts), I have chosen to highlight some interesting parts of the night for me...from my view.
This is what we saw when we arrived at the site. Belmont had been preparing for this debate for a long time and they did a great job. An 8 foot fence was erected around the entire campus a week before the debate, the decorations went up and then the event finally came. It was really exciting throughout our neighborhood and Nashville as a whole.
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As soon as we arrived on the scene, we were met with a huge crowd of people. Among them were the guys selling t-shirts for the candidates. The majority were selling shirts for Obama.
These guys have been selling shirts since 1993 and started selling Obama t-shirts in January of 2007. The stamp design is their best seller.
One of the things that surprised me most was that there were no vendors selling shirts for McCain, only against Obama (NObama, etc.)
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Some of you may believe that my next posts are biased because I am, unabashedly, a true Barack Obama supporter. In all honesty, because you probably also know that I do not beat around the bush, McCain supporters were lacking. For every 100 people supporting Barack Obama, there were probably 5 McCain supporters and 7 Nader supporters. I was really interested in the signs people created and the way they tried to get their message across.

These signs were from a group of Nader supporters. While I truly appreciated their message and agree that the 2 party system does not work, I was disappointed with the way they chose to get their message across. Instead of peacefully displaying their message, they yelled into a megaphone and chanted things like 1.2.3.4. We don't want your f*&%ing war. Their passion was evident and I am glad there was another voice there that night...if only my perfect world could exist and everyone could express their opinions through civil conversation.
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To be fair to McCain supporters, I have proof of the lack of signage. Hardball with Chris Matthews was broadcasting live and there was a huge crowd surrounding the set. These are some shots from the set that was really lively and interesting to watch.

**Please notice the two McCain signs at the bottom left of the picture, the two Nader signs in the middle of the second picture and all the Obama signs surrounding them. Get the point?
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This was a really interesting group of "protesters" who were supporting green jobs. Solar power, wind power or whatever it takes to free our country from its dependence on foreign oil and create new jobs here. Most of them road their bikes and I found it particularly interesting that a majority of the event happened in front of a gas station.
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The next few shots are a few of my favorites from the night. Please indulge me for a moment while I analyze some of the pictures from my point of view. Maybe you'll agree, maybe not, but at least give me a chance.

I don't know how well you can see this picture but let me frame the moment for you. A mother and son were displaying signs about the media being controlled by Democrats and lying to the American people. Speaking your mind is something I strongly support. What I do not support is when parents fill their children's mind with messages of conspiracy and hate.

What is the difference, you might ask, between this mother and the others who dressed their children in support of McCain or Obama? Well, those mothers are not making their children mouthpieces for anger and hatred but for hope and support. This picture is very symbolic to me and provides a visual for why this event saddened me. The child in this picture is looking up to his mother both literally and figuratively. Do we want to teach our children messages like this?
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The guy with the sign currently being hidden got a lot of flack. Some of the people from the Nader group even approached him saying, "We are not Obama supporters and your sign is offensive to us. Do you even respect women at all?" He continued to flaunt his sign as he had every right to do because in America we are blessed with freedom of speech. When he came upon a group women who were Obama supporters, he was given another talking to and then one of the women began trying to hide his sign. I totally love how this picture represents the past being overshadowed by the progressive women's movement of the current and future. This is the only sign that truly offended me from the entire night because it went beyond speaking your mind to offended an entire gender. I mean, come on, would you talk to your momma like that?
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You may think I'm crazy but I love this shot. Isn't this what we should be focused on? In all the chaos, the request for peace is what caught my attention.
My reasons for loving this sign are quite obvious. I probably wouldn't have highlighted it if Obama hadn't completely rocked my world at the debate when he put education in his top 3 priorities. Education is a word I have not heard uttered from McCain's mouth and trust me, my ears perk up when I hear that word.
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This was from one of the vendors who was selling buttons. A majority of the Obama buttons were sold but there was an entire pegboard full of McCain-Palin buttons begging someone to purchase them.

The button with Obama and Martin Luther King, Jr. struck me and let me give you an example why...
The lady sitting down in this picture's name is Vernice. She is 53 years old and lives in Clarksville, TN which is 50 miles from Nashville. I started talking to her about some of the signs surrounding us and she told me how she never imagined that she would see a black man get this far in the race for the presidency in her lifetime. The work and vision of MLK, Jr. paved the way for Barack's run for the presidency. Who could have ever imagined that in 50 years we could have gone from separate water fountains to a biracial man as a main contender in a presidential race? I wonder if Dr. King would be surprised by Barack as well.
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This next picture represents so much to me and while I would love to tell you why this picture almost makes me cry, I'll let you figure it out. Enjoy.

our love story, part ii

After we left the conference in Atlanta, I don't think either of us really believed that we would see the other again. The contact information had been exchanged but that was probably as far as it would go. Or so we thought.

A little time passed and I couldn't shake him from my mind. I kept thinking about that really cute guy I met and wanted to get to know him better. One day on my way home from school, I decided I would call Andrew to ask if he would be interested in chatting on AIM. Why I called instead of just messaging him, I still don't know. I remember my nerves when dialing his number, the scenery around me as I drove and the surprise in his voice when he answered. He was in the car with his friend Matt, now a groomsman in our wedding, and he later reported to me how he had told Matt about the conversation afterward and was shocked that I would have called.

We began to get to know each other chatting on AIM and then decided that it was time to meet again. To appease my parents and to make the date easier, we brought our friends along. Jonathan and Lindsey came along as our buffers. What if we didn't like each other? What if it was amazingly uncomfortable? Well, it wasn't. The chemistry was there and it all began. We would meet every other week in Douglasville because it was the mid-point between our homes. Each week, normally on Sundays, we went to a movie and then followed it with a lunch or dinner at Olive Garden.

I fondly remember our first dinner at Olive Garden where Andrew was shamelessly flirting with me as any 16 year old would, by throwing ice at me. At the time, I didn't know what that meant. After dinner, I remember asking Lindsey what she thought. Did he like me? Was he worth all the effort? She answered with a resounding "YES!" to both questions.

After that, the chatting and dating continued. We exchanged our likes and dislikes, pictures, etc. I still remember the first time Andrew rode in my car. We were driving from the mall over to Olive Garden and decided to split up in the cars. When Andrew got in, his curiosity got the best of him and he started digging around. To my complete embarrassment, he found the picture of him that I had printed off and put in my arm rest after taking it to school to show my friends. He laughed and I think this was probably the first time he realized just how much I liked him.

Though we both knew how much we liked each other, there was something in the way. Andrew had always been enamored with his best friend Julie who was in band with him, who had been his girlfriend and different points in time and who he idealized. Because I didn't want to be heartbroken by a guy who was in love with his best friend, I tried to help him win her while secretly dying inside because I LIKED HIM! I wanted him to by MY boyfriend. In my friendship with him, I eventually won him over.

After about a month of "dating", Andrew and I decided it was time for him to visit me at my home and have some of our home grown steak since he loved steak so much. He was supposed to come after a band competition in Macon and I had been cleaning all day when I got the phone call that his beloved van had broken down and he wouldn't be able to make it. I remember how disappointed I was but then how happy I was when he finally came on March 2, 2002. (I am not that weirdo that remembers every single date but Andrew wrote it down on "our box")

Not quite one week (6 days, actually) after his trip to my home, I visited him at his home. We were watching a movie, lying on his couch when I turned toward him to talk and we had our first kiss. I remember how happy, nervous and excited I was all at once. He was a good kisser...whew! That same day, Andrew's best friend Andy came over to meet me and it was my first test with the friends. I passed.

At the end of March, I took Andrew to my junior prom with my friends and we all spent the night at my house afterward. He later told me that when I fell asleep in his arms while watching tv on the sofa in the playroom, he looked at me and knew that he loved me. On March 31, while chatting with Andrew on AIM, he told me that he loved me (how appropriate for two 16 and 17 year olds in a long distance relationship). I didn't tell him the same in return. In fact, it took a conversation with my best friend Shereetha to show me that though we were young and it seemed impossible to find someone whom you loved at that age, it was real. She told me that in our 11 year friendship, she had never seen me happier, seen me smile more or heard me gush over a guy like I was doing.

The rest of the school year was spent driving to each other's homes on the weekends, going to Andrew's prom, graduation and graduation party and getting to know each other better. While we both realize that the "I love you" we exchanged back then did not mean nearly what it means now, it was the love of two teenagers that carried us through some hard times that no one ever deserves to experience.

To be continued...

bibbity bobbity boo

If I had the magical power to change anything in the world, what would I do with it? If my magic wand could disperse its powers at the flick of my wrist but one time only and for one thing, what would I choose to do?

I would reinstate the value of family in our society. When did grandparents start to be the ones raising our children? What happened in that first generation of parents who decided it was not their responsibility to raise thoughtful, involved citizens? Seriously...what happened?

In my experience working with individuals, organizations and communities as well as in my research as a graduate student the main concern I have found is the loss of the family. Grandparents are raising children. Fathers are simply making sperm donations, mothers are incubators for 9 months and then their parents and society are left to take care of their children.

From speaking with many different people, it seems that it has been two generations of parents that have participated in these patterns. So, it is not just this generation of parents but their parents that started this trend. Why did this happen? Was it selfishness on the part of the new parents? Did their parents spoil them to believe that they can do whatever they want without regard to their responsibility as human beings and thoughtful citizens? What was it? I really want to know!

Regardless of why this happened, it happened. Now that we are in this conundrum, what do we do about it? How do we bring the family back to the center of our focus? How do we educate future generations about the importance of being an active parent in their child's life instead of just in the background?

These children that have been left without a strong support system have to deal with so much more than they should ever be expected to do. Some 12 year old kids are encouraged to do whatever they can, not excluding selling drugs and stealing, to help Mom pay the bills. Some 14 and 15 year old youth are craving structure that they are not getting at home so they find it in gangs and others are searching for love and end up pregnant.

So if I had a magic wand made from the feather of a phoenix and I could change one thing, I would bring family back to the center of society while bringing the responsibility of raising the child back to the parents.

This is not to say that there are not millions of productive, wonderful families in this country and world. I am encouraged by so many families I see who remain true to their values and raise wonderful, engaged children. Let these parents and families serve as examples to those who are struggling. As we all know, there is no magic wand and so it is up to us to do what we can to bring the meaning of family and parenthood back into focus for so many who are lost.

What would you do if you had the magic touch to change something in the world?