it's hard

I was just scrolling through Pinterest like I do, well, every single day, and a quote caught my eye. Of course there is no way to prove that this is an actual quote, nor can I prove that the author is actually unknown. What I can prove is that it is 100% true:

It's hard to wait around

for something you know

might never happen; but

it's even harder to give up

when you know it's 

everything you want.

-author unknown

This is what it feels like dealing with infertility. It is definitely hard to wait around for a child when your past has proven that it might never happen for you. But I'll be damned if it isn't just made harder by the fact that you know that child is everything you want. 

The good news with infertility is that you don't really have to give up. You can keep trying. You can adopt. You can go to the ends of the world to bring a child into your life (literally).

You never know what might happen.

swimming

Do you know what's pretty amazing to me?

How even as an adult, a Disney movie quote can totally turn your day around.

I was a little down in the dumps this morning, talked to Andrew and he said "just keep swimming." I immediately thought of Dorie, started singing the song out loud and felt better.

Love that.

And just in case you need a pick-me-up, too...

be kind

The Wheatfield by Katie Daisy

I ordered this print from an awesome Etsy seller that I linked to above. It hangs on our living room wall in the area where we watch television so we see it every day.

When we first got it, Andrew said it reminded him of the old video rentals that had "Be Kind, Rewind" on the cover which I never saw until he mentioned it but now it makes me grin to think about it. Sidenote: Isn't it sad that our kids will never know what that means!?!?

Some days I barely notice it is there but most days, it is just an awesome reminder. No matter what's going on in my life, I should still remember that others deserve my kindness. Even if I want to scream, that doesn't mean I should scream at someone else. 

But it also reminds me to be kind to myself. And sometimes I just need that reminder.

courage to grow

I recently found this quote and it has stuck with me.

it takes

courage

to grow

up and

become

who you

really

are.

-e.e. cummings

When do we know who we really are? Is there ever a moment where it just hits you?

This is who I am.

How do we know who we really are? How do we know what we really want to do with our lives?

A girl that Laurel and I used to babysit knows who she is, what she wants to do and how she wants to live her life. Horses are her passion and as a senior in high school she already has her own business boarding horses, and buying ill-trained, poorly nourished horses then training and selling them for a higher price. She participates in horse shows, pays for everything herself and truly loves what she does. That is who she is. That is what she wants to do with her life. And she knows it at 17.

Here I am, at 27, and I'm waiting. Waiting to figure out who I am. Waiting to figure out what I will do with my life. 

Oprah always talked about how you should find your passion and live it. Can someone please explain how in the world we are supposed to do that? She said it was that whisper, that gut feeling that you have to nurture and develop. What if you don't have that or if the whisper is so quiet you just can't hear it?

It does take courage to become who you really are and it also takes a lot of work to figure out who that really is.

the music

If you know me well, you know that music lives inside of me.

I love it. I don't play it. I can't sing it. But I love it.

When I listen to music on the train, I don't care how crazy I look but I have to slightly mouth the words or move my body because I just can't help it.

This song came on this morning as I was listening to Jason Mraz's new album and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Not the tune and not even the words because it was the first time I've really listened to it. It is the message of the song that is inside me now.

Just what I needed. Right when I needed it.

93 million miles from the Sun, people get ready get ready,
'cause here it comes it’s a light, a beautiful light, over the horizon into our eyes
Oh, my my how beautiful, oh my beautiful mother
She told me, "Son in life you’re gonna go far, and if you do it right you’ll love where you are
Just know, that wherever you go, you can always come home"

240 thousand miles from the Moon, we’ve come a long way to belong here,
To share this view of the night, a glorious night, over the horizon is another bright sky
Oh, my my how beautiful, oh my irrefutable father,
He told me, "Son sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part.
Just know, you’re never alone, you can always come back home"

Every road is a slippery slope
There is always a hand that you can hold on to.
Looking deeper through the telescope
You can see that your home’s inside of you.

Just know, that wherever you go, no you’re never alone, you will always get back home.

The music. It's inside of me.

September 16

That's right. September is half way over. That means that when you blink, it will be Christmas and then when you blink again we'll be celebrating Memorial Day.

For me, September 16 means

I will be leaving for Japan in just over 1 month.

we will be starting our first IUI to try to have a child in just over 2 months.

I will be going to England again in 5 months.

Andrew will be applying for residency programs in 9 months.

we will know where we will be moving for Andrew's residency in 17 months.

And there are a million other important dates, birthdays, and holidays in between all of those milestones for the Savoies. It seems like yesterday and a million years ago that we moved to Atlanta and our time here (if Andrew gets a residency outside of Atlanta) is halfway over.

September 16 means that life moves forward at its own pace no matter how much we want to speed it up or slow it down. We take the highs and the lows and we move forward. Even if we know where we're headed, we have no idea how we're going to get there and we have to take it one step at a time.

So take a minute and look around. Take stock of what you're grateful for and guard it with your life. Look at what is bringing you down and realize that it just isn't worth it.

September 16 means take care of yourself and do everything you can to live the life you deserve. It goes by too quickly not to.

carry on

if you're lost and alone

or you're sinking like a stone

carry on.

may your past be the sound

of your feet upon the ground

carry on.

-fun.

a roller coaster of emotion

One day I'm really great with where we are in our life. Other days, I feel like the universe just decided that it hated us. Most days are great but the bad days, when they come, are totally crap.

Today was a bad day.

With V's advice always in my mind I decided to let myself sit in the sad. It works for me.

I was in a funk and I was okay with it. Then I read a post by The Bloggess, laughed out loud and felt so much better.

From highs to lows and then back up again. And I'm okay with it.

Is life perfect? No. Is life good? Yes.

We're happy. We're hopeful. We're looking forward to the future.

Just in case you are in a funk, or even if you aren't, here is a little funny for you from the Bloggess.

Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”

Janie and I went to Marcia’s shower
expecting some pre-baby fun.
We arrived at her house at the agreed upon hour
and immediately wanted to run.

Marcia’s round belly was surrounded by girls who
regaled her with tales of their labor,
while Marcia grew paler and tried to grab onto
her wits, a life raft, or a saber.

“I pooped on the table,” said plump, old Aunt Pat,
(She made it sound like a boast).
Said Tiffany-Sue: “Oh, everyone does that.”
Marcia turned white as a ghost.

“For shame, now girls,” said reserved cousin Flo,
“Who cares ’bout your old lady bits?
Babies do much more damage as they grow.
Good heavens, just look at my tits!”

Within a half-hour I needed a shower
and Marcia and Janie looked faint.
“Why, that’s nothing” said gran, who fluttered her fan,
“You should see what they did to my taint!”

Of blood and of bile they prattled on blindly,
(By now Marcia was starting to heave.)
They showed c-section scars (a little unkindly).
It was clear that we needed to leave.

The talk of the girls
caused great twisting of pearls
and left us all thinking of options.
Janie’s decided to stay on the pill,
And I’m looking into adoption.