belong to me

While at the beach a couple of weeks ago, I read a wonderful book called Belong to Me. I got lost in the different love stories between friends, spouses, families and strangers. But beyond the stories, the book began to make me think about the need for us all to belong to something. 

We all want to belong to something whether it is a book club, group of friends, family or loving relationship. Where does this need to belong come from? Is it a part of human nature that evolved over the years as a means of survival? Is it because of our insecurities that we yearn to be wanted? What is it that drives us to seek out relationships and work to develop those relationships so that we can belong?

When I think about it, I initially hate the idea that I need to belong to something. The word "belong" can have such a negative connotation because it makes us think of ownership. I believe it is important to be comfortable enough with yourself to be alone and that you should be the only person claiming ownership of your life. Some of the most profound thinkers were those who were able to escape from the pressures of society and live comfortably on their own. This is something I have no control over...I yearn for belonging. 

I have always belonged to something. When I was born, I belonged to my family. Growing up, I belonged to my soccer team. There was always a group of friends I belonged to and now I belong to this relationship with this wonderful man who I am going to marry. 

Though the idea of belonging to something invites images and thoughts of ownership, I've never felt as though anyone owned me. I willingly give of myself to these people who, in return, give of themselves to me. There is no claim of ownership, only the feeling of security and happiness in knowing that that structure is there. 

One of the most poignant parts of the book is when Cornelia looks at her husband Teo and says, "all I want is for you to belong to me." To totally understand the power of that statement, you will have to read the book but in that moment the power of belonging struck me like a bolt of lightning and my ways of thinking about and valuing my relationships were zapped from my mind. All of a sudden it made sense to me: one of the best feelings in the world is to know that you belong to something special, important and of value. 

We don't belong to people. We belong to relationships. 

My intense happiness when I am surrounded by my family is in large part due to the power of us all belonging to these relationships: mom and daughter, dad and daughter, sisters, brother and sister. My relationship with Andrew is so strong because we find great pleasure in realizing that I don't belong to him and he doesn't belong to me but we belong to our relationship. The most important part of belonging to something is realizing: I am an individual, I am comfortable with myself but I am a better person because of this relationship. I don't need this relationship but I want it.

I love the feeling of belonging. I yearn for it. I don't think Cornelia really wanted Teo to belong to her but to their relationship. The emotion behind those three words "belong to me" is so powerful that when I think about what she was feeling, I feel it in my gut. 

I believe in the power of belonging. I believe that it drives us more than we know. 

going to the chapel of love

After being together for over 6 years and living apart for 4 of them, Andrew and I have the finish line in sight. Or is it the start line?

I cannot explain the joy I feel when I think about living in the same town as Andrew, much less being married and seeing him everyday! All we have to do is get through this year and we will finish the first part of our journey together and begin the second.  I know that the next part of our journey, our marriage, will be strong and ever-lasting because in our 6 years together we have grown separately without growing apart. As we have changed into our own individuals, the thing that never changed was that we continue to fall in love with each other every day. My heart flutters when I think about walking down the aisle to marry my best friend while surrounded by our family and friends.

A year isn't that long, right? I would like you to step in my shoes for a moment and see everything that has to happen in this measly little year...

 

-I am working a full-time internship and hoping to get the most out of the experience until August 1st.

-At the end of August, I will begin my second year of graduate school. Not only will I be taking classes about community development but also education classes which I have never experienced before.

-While going to graduate school I will be working 20 hours a week with my assistantship, trying to finish my thesis, babysitting and hopefully continuing to work with my internship in my "free time".

-During this next year I will also be planning a wedding.

-Andrew will be applying to medical school again along with Anesthesiologist Assistant school and graduate school.

-He will know if he got accepted to medical school in October. If he does not get accepted, we will then wait until March to know if he got accepted to Anesthesiologist Assistant school or graduate school.

While all of that is overwhelming and I really wish we could just fast forward through this next year (except for football season, of course), I also want to savor this time. Never again will I be engaged, living in Nashville, going to school, working and planning a wedding all at once. If I stress over everything that has to happen in this next year I will go crazy. So instead, I am going to focus on the positive and enjoy this time. 

When it all starts to overwhelm me and I lose my focus on the positive, the thing that keeps me going is that vision of me walking toward Andrew in the middle of the pasture between two huge oak trees. Our wedding will be a great reflection of us and we are excited to celebrate our relationship and take our first step into the next part of our journey together...as husband and wife. waaaaahooooooooo!!!

time to change

I began writing this blog about the differences in Barack Obama and John McCain. After getting halfway through, I realized that I did not want my blog to be taken in that direction. This blog is intended to inspire thought in others and myself: to challenge current thinking, remind us of our duties as upstanding citizens, parents, spouses, children and friends and to bring us back to reality when we get lost in our immediate surroundings.

So instead of trying to persuade you to vote one way or the other, I want to tell you what I see going on in our world to hopefully inspire you to investigate these issues and decide for yourself whom to vote for.

Our children are being left behind. Education in America is an abomination and we continue to fall behind other countries in preparing our children for the future. Instead of tailoring education to the needs children, we are trying to make children with severe learning disabilities learn algebra when they have difficulty figuring out how to count change after a purchase. Rural schools are falling apart and there are not sufficient funds to keep them in working order. Classrooms are packed to the gills and teachers are unable to focus on each child when there are 3o in a classroom and they are forced to teach to a test. Teachers are not paid nearly enough money which has caused a shortage of teachers as a whole, not to mention good teachers! The issues with education go on and on and there is a huge need for reform.

After putting our children through a failing school system, they still decide to honorably serve our country and we continue to treat them poorly. Instead of supporting our soldiers, we are asking them to continue fighting in a war with no obvious purpose. So many come home in need of assistance and instead of praising them for their service, we send them to Veteran's hospitals that have ceilings falling in where they do not receive adequate care. We have been at war for longer than any other time in history including the World Wars. The United States has become infamous for our territorialism as we continue to create U.S. bases in countries around the world without these countries posing themselves as an enemy. 

Poverty continues to plague millions of Americans who receive no support from the government. Jobs are being sent overseas, taking jobs away from our own citizens who are left jobless without possibility of a job in the future. More families are living without running water or electricity than most people would believe and children cannot afford paper and pencil for school, not to mention clothes. Without knowledge of what is possible, children are having children and continuing the cycle of poverty.

Our healthcare system is failing and our life expectancy continues to drop. People who are afflicted with an illness often go bankrupt because of medical bills. Instead of supporting our citizens in a time of need, healthcare companies use this time to take all of their money and send them spiraling into poverty so that they may never recover. Millions of children are uninsured which is no fault of their own. Good doctors who do their best to treat patients are being sued by ambulance chasing attorneys and have to give up their practice because malpractice insurance costs go up and they can no longer afford to keep their office open. 

Mother Earth is crying out for us to stop raping her of her natural resources. We continue to cut down thousands of acres of rainforests. Our leaders are looking into drilling for oil in a wildlife refuge and national park in Alaska so that we can remain dependent on fossil fuels which are proven to harm the environment. Individuals are investing their money in renewable energy because our government refuses to invest in anything except oil.

This nation was built by immigrants and now we want to send back anyone who is here in search of the same dream that brought our ancestors here. There are many issues that go along with this that can be argued back and forth but it all comes down to the fact that each person deserves a chance at a decent life and we cannot discriminate against others who are doing the work lazy Americans refuse to do for half the price. Regardless of your thoughts on this issue, I think we could all agree that the children of undocumented immigrants definitely do not deserve punishment for something they did not choose. It is unjust for us to refuse education to these children who were brought to this country of another's will.

I could go on and on about the issues that plague our country but I'm scared I lost you halfway through this one. Please EDUCATE yourself about issues that are important to you and VOTE in November for the candidate that you think will work toward your vision of what America can and should be. Though your vote may end up canceling mine out, what I care about most is that you make an educated decision and vote based upon that knowledge, not senseless propaganda and lies. 

more than a tan

I have no memory of the first time I saw the beach. This is probably because my first official beach visit was when I was three weeks old since my birth was not going to stop my Mom from having her beach trip. In fact, as story tells it, she had no plans to go to the beach and then after my birth was making reservations from the hospital telephone.

Though the beach has remained constant in my life for 23 years, its meaning has changed significantly through the years. As a kid, the beach was just where we went in the summers with our friends. We would play on the beach, make drip castles and splash in the ocean without caring about anything or anyone else around us...the sand and waves became our home for that week. For a while, the beach served as my wonderland where we had no chores, we could pee in the ocean and the hours drifted away like the tide.

Before it should have, the beach became something different. My siblings were all older and so when they decided it wasn't cool to play on the beach anymore, I was lost. So what if I'm eight and you're 10 or 13...everyone should still want to build drip castles and play in the waves right? Apparently I was wrong as my brother became too old to play with younger girls and my sisters were now utilizing the beach not as a playground but as their own outdoor tanning salon with a built in breeze. The beach quickly became about getting a good tan while being bored just lying around. I no longer enjoyed the beach for its honest pleasures, it just became a tool for me to get a tan and hopefully impress the other kids, mostly boys, back home.

Once I was in college, the beach began changing meanings to me once again. It was still the best opportunity I had to get a tan so that I wouldn't be pasty white all year long but it began to be about more than coaxing out the melanin in my skin to impress the young men. This was the first time the beach was about relaxation and peace. I had never understood my Mom who literally craved the beach. If she went to long without it, she would go through withdrawals. When I started to become comfortable with myself, I became comfortable with the idea of being alone with my thoughts, getting lost in a book so that my worries could drift away on the ocean breeze and giving myself time to take a step back from life and breathe.

My four years of college came and went quicker than I could have ever imagined and now as I am in graduate school, getting ready to marry my high school sweetheart and preparing for real life after school, the beach has changed for me yet again. While it changed meaning in college, it still served as the only opportunity I had to get some color and hope it would last a while. For the first time, on this beach trip, my tan was not a priority. The beach has become a dear old friend who is the absolute best listener. Without saying a word, as soon as I step my feet in the sand and feel water on my skin, my silent conversation begins and the beach becomes my counselor and friend. I feel like God can hear me better when I'm in the middle of her beautiful creation or maybe we just speak a little more often and my voice becomes a little louder here.

While I am not to the point of craving the beach or having withdrawals without it, I am to the point where I finally appreciate it for all its beauty beyond the physical. I am not a beach hag yet but I think this is the beginning of my transformation.