time to breathe. time to think.

How often do we take the time to step back from all the noise, be quiet and allow ourselves to sit with our thoughts? We aren't really given the opportunity with our coworkers, roommates and partners or spouses around all the time. We become accustomed to always having someone to talk to that when we are truly left with our thoughts, we can feel overwhelmed or even scared. 

I have been by myself in this house for 3 days and I am just now getting used to the quiet. In the past, when roommates would leave for the weekend, I hated it. Now, I am beginning to enjoy time on my own to straighten out all of the thoughts that are jumbled in my head. I am amazed at the clarity I can achieve in a night without someone else on the other couch to talk to or to chat with online. During the week, my head fills up with thoughts about work, school and maintaining a loving and successful, long-distance relationship. A couple of hours by myself and all the thoughts that had seemed cloudy and discombobulated become clear.

Even working out on my own gives me a sense of clarity. L and I always work out together and doing that on my own for these couple of days has provided me a great sense of accomplishment. When I don't have someone here pushing me, I get so much satisfaction from pushing myself and following through. I come home from a day of work, dreading exercising because I am already mentally exhausted but after I make myself spend 30 minutes on the treadmill or 45 minutes with Billy Blanks, I feel so much better. Pushing myself past my limits and making my muscles hurt until I can't move makes me feel like I can do anything.

Now, after saying all of this I have to admit that I don't know what I would do if I was left with my thoughts all of the time. I think it is better to surround yourself with people you love to talk with and bounce ideas off of, allowing yourself moments, or days, to close your ears from the noise and be with your thoughts. Without these amazing individuals in our lives who provide glorious noise, we could never truly appreciate the quiet times to clear our minds and truly enjoy our own company.

how to contain the excitement?

Have you ever gotten really excited about something only for it not to happen; imagined the possibilities of something new only for it to fall through?

I am at this crazy point in my life where I am on the brink of something great but am petrified to let myself be happy about it. Things can change in the blink of an eye and everything involved in this new venture is still uncertain. How do I strike a balance between my excitement for Andrew to move to Nashville with the knowledge that he could still get accepted to medical school? And how do I convince myself that it is okay for me to be happy that he didn't get accepted to medical school this time around when it has been his dream since he was little?

Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about being able to see Andrew every day. How will it feel to come home from a tough day at work and fall into his arms? What will it be like to look him in the eyes and tell him "good night" and "I love you" every night of the week? But every time I think about it, I have to bring myself back to reality knowing that within the next couple months, he could still be accepted to medical school and off to a place that is a 6 hour car ride away from me. And really, how can I be upset about that? Isn't that just selfish?

After 6 years together and 4 of those years living separately, don't I...don't we deserve to finally be together? Why is it that when the opportunity has finally come for us to be together, it is filled with uncertainty? Why can't these questions be answered?

So, while I am also feverishly trying to find him a job and getting ready for a move to Nashville, I am keeping in the back of my mind that the only thing we can really plan in life is to be surprised...maybe God could hold off on the surprises for a while, please.

have you ever seen a georgia sunset...

There isn't much that can beat a road trip on a beautiful day, windows and sunroof open, snacks galore, music blaring and heading toward a destination you can't wait to get to.

Yesterday I was driving home to Georgia from Nashville and relishing in the fact that I was headed to my favorite place in the world, with the wind in my hair and the sun on my skin realizing that only one thing was missing...Laurel.

Whenever we go home together, we have so much fun that we don't mind if it takes a little longer than normal. We are both of the belief that calories don't count on a road trip: peanut m&ms, chocolate turtle chex mix, diet dr. pepper, sweet tarts, chick-fil-a and the list goes on. We also believe that the only way to drive is with the sunroof open, windows down and music blaring so loud you can't hear each other singing off key. Driving home just doesn't seem the same without her in the passenger seat (Lord knows I don't let her drive).

When I finally arrived at home, after trying a new route, I was amazed at the weight that seemed to lift off my shoulders...I didn't even know it was there. The sight of my house after coming over the hill cannot be recreated. It feels like a part of me has been missing and it is finally coming into place.

This is the only home I've ever known and it makes it difficult for me to call any other place "home" since they are just temporary replacements. It is my home on Frolona that I go to when I need a taste of reality and to take a step back from the fast-paced life of living in the city. It is where I go when I need a hug from my momma and to talk about life with my dad.

One thing I look forward to in life is creating a home with Andrew that even comes close to the home I grew up in. I want to create a home that is open to family, friends and friends of family. A place where everyone feels comfortable no matter their race, creed or color and where friends become family and relatives become closer than most. If I can build a home for my children that holds half the amount of love and acceptance in the home where I grew up, I will have given them a strong foundation to build on.

When I drive back to Nashville, I still enjoy the sun, wind, music and snacks but it is then that I feel that part of me missing and can't wait to be on another road trip back to my home and that feeling of completeness.

strength

What do we think of when we hear the word strong? At times I picture a man with almost disgustingly large muscles but other times I am drawn to images of individuals whom society would not normally characterize as strong.

A little over a year ago I met one of the strongest people I have ever known. At the time, I had no idea the strength this person held though I think he has always known. The strength I witness regularly is that of a 5 year old little boy. Already in his short life, he has had more hospital visits, shots, MRIs and surgeries that I have had in my 22 years. Though it would seem normal for many to give up and admit defeat, he wakes up everyday smiling, excited about what might happen.

Charlie was born with Grieg's Syndrome along with a myriad of sensory issues and developmental delays. Though it sounds like a lot for one child to deal with, it rarely seems to faze him. He has issues with balance but when he falls, he jumps up, wipes himself off and keeps going. Charlie also has occasional seizures (partially controlled by medication) but always seem to return quickly to normal. Like most kids, he does not look forward to a visit with the doctor but he always takes it in stride. Even with so much going against him, he continues to go about life like any normal 5 year old boy.

As crazy as it sounds, Charlie has become one of my best friends. Though he cannot provide the shoulder to cry on in hard times like best friends do or listen when I have a problem, this 5 year old gives me more joy than many adults in my life. No matter what, he always greets me with a smile and lots of times by saying "Miss Pallie, I'm so happy to see you!" When we have spent a considerable amount of time apart, he tells me how much he missed me. Each time we are together we make sure to get in at least one BIG hug which normally consists of me picking him up, squeezing him tight and running around the room (when I forget, he always reminds me that we haven't had our BIG hug yet). The best, though, is when he seems to recognize that I'm not at my best and he comes to me, gives me a hug and says "I love you Miss Pallie."

With everything Charlie deals with on a daily basis, he makes sure that everyone around him knows how much they are loved by him. Charlie had surgery on both of his eyes yesterday and when I saw him today, he was not lying around feeling sorry for himself. He was watching tv and playing with his toys acting like nothing was different. The strength I witness in this little boy continues to amaze me. When I hear the word strong, he is one of the first images I see.

still not so sure...

So, this blogging thing is new for me and I'm still not sure what I think about it. 

Why does anyone care what I think? Are my thoughts important enough to post to the internet for my friends and family to read? I've always worn my heart, thoughts and beliefs on my sleeve but this is a whole new level of disclosure. 

Life keeps whizzing past me and what I fear most is coming to a point in my life and realizing that the past few years had gone by unexamined. 

With the tv, radio, internet and all the other crazy technologies in the world, it is easy to lose myself in it all. Why do I need to create my own opinions when CNN, Fox, Oprah and Dr. Phil can tell me what to believe? So many people go through life taking everything they hear and see at face value without examining the truth behind it all. 

We all need to take a step back, breathe in the fresh air (if you can find any near you) and begin to create our own opinions without the background noise of 24 hour news and talk show hosts. Go walk barefoot on a green patch of grass, listen to the sounds of mother nature and lose yourself in the reality that we are only a very small part of this world. But no matter how small we may be, we can all make a difference by merely ignoring everyone who tells us what to believe, create our own opinions and live a life that is truly our own. 

So, while I still don't know where this blogging will take me since it kind of goes against my desire to escape the crazy technology driven world we live in, I will give it a try...at least for a little while. If nothing else, this will give me an outlet to journal, which I have wanted to do for a long time but could never quite find the time between school work, watching tv and surfing the net. Now I have no excuse for not taking the time to slow down, reflect on my life and write it all down; maybe someone will care.