There is something I must confess. I cringe when I am described as someone who is making a difference or when people are led to believe that I am going to change the world. My insides flip all around and I feel out of sorts.
This is not because I don't want to make a difference or change the world, it is because I do not deserve for that to be a descriptor of me. At least I don't think so.
In May, I will graduate with a Master's of Education in Community Development Action. While earning my degree, I have learned a great deal about how to work in communities and help populations in need. I have a theoretical knowledge of how to help people. The problem is this...I haven't done anything to put that knowledge to work!
While in graduate school, all I've had time to do is go to school, work, babysit and try to fit in a little bit of time for myself so I don't go crazy. I haven't been able to volunteer and use my new found knowledge. I haven't done anything to change the world or even make a little difference. My degree has prepared me to work with underprivileged populations but I am far from being able to change the world.
When I graduate, I will probably teach (if I can get a job) and there will definitely be opportunities to make a difference. Then, when Andrew is done with medical school, I want to stay at home with our kids. I don't have any plans or even real desires to be a part of some large community movement. I would love to work for a community organization or non-profit but I cannot count on any of those jobs to be available before the time I am staying at home with our kids. All I can truly hope for is to be a good teacher and raise my children well. And honestly, that is enough for me.
I am a firm believer that the best thing any parent can do in this world is raise thoughtful, productive children and that is what I want to do. I do not plan on being any different than any other mother out there. I plan on being a good wife and mother though that will not always be easy. I do not plan on starting or being an integral part of a significant movement. I plan on being an active part of my community.
I am going to school to learn how to work with many different populations but my life will probably not consist of changing the world. So, when people say I'm going to change the world, that is why I cringe. I feel guilty for letting people believe that I am something extraordinary. I feel guilty for taking on this persona that is not me, though it is quite flattering. I am not different than millions of other women out there and I am perfectly happy with that.
Now hopefully I can let this guilt go.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
kiddos
Lately, my mind has been on kids and motherhood. These phases come and go and right now, I'm in the middle of it.
Being a Mom is the only thing I've ever really wanted to do. For some reason, I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother and that is what I want to dedicate my life to doing. Because I don't have kids yet, I find myself mothering the people around me.
Andrew and I have talked about having kids for a long time. We both want to have a large family with 4 or 5 kids. We have the same ideals when it comes to raising our children. We want the same things for them. We both realize that is the hardest job ever and that, if you aren't careful, it can put a strain on even the most successful marriage. Our expectations are incredibly realistic and yet, we are still crazy excited to have kids!
When I tell people we want to have so many kids, I get one of two reactions: shock or complete understanding. Some people are shocked that we want so many kids. Other people completely understand because they know us. Regardless of what other people think, we both know that this is something we want.
Growing up, our house was organized chaos and I crave that in my life. When I babysit C and A, I can't imagine only have two kids because there isn't enough going on all the time! Vanessa thinks I am crazy but I really thrive off having lots of things going on at once. This is when I'm at my best. I know I will probably look back on saying this and think, "man, I was naive" but I don't care. Having kids is the hardest, most rewarding thing anyone can do and I feel like we are up for the challenge.
My Mom used to tell us about the people in our church and how they used to say, "Well, Janie is pregnant again. What else is new?" I want to be like that. If I could be 1/10 the mom that my Mom is, my kids will be really lucky. I cannot wait for the days where I will be running kids to soccer practice and tae kwon do all while running the necessary errands. But, I don't want to bypass the times when our child wakes up in the middle of the night and I can comfort him or her the way no one else can. Am I crazy to want those sleepless nights? Maybe, probably, but I don't think so. Those sleepless nights and crazy times are all a part of being a parent and that is what I want most of all.
Andrew and I do not expect for parenthood to be easy or to go the way we imagine. What we do expect is to have the most joyous moments and the most frustrating moments to go hand in hand. Isn't that what parenthood is all about? Bring on the kiddos!
**Disclaimer: We are NOT planning on having kids right now. There is too much to get through before we can do that.
Being a Mom is the only thing I've ever really wanted to do. For some reason, I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother and that is what I want to dedicate my life to doing. Because I don't have kids yet, I find myself mothering the people around me.
Andrew and I have talked about having kids for a long time. We both want to have a large family with 4 or 5 kids. We have the same ideals when it comes to raising our children. We want the same things for them. We both realize that is the hardest job ever and that, if you aren't careful, it can put a strain on even the most successful marriage. Our expectations are incredibly realistic and yet, we are still crazy excited to have kids!
When I tell people we want to have so many kids, I get one of two reactions: shock or complete understanding. Some people are shocked that we want so many kids. Other people completely understand because they know us. Regardless of what other people think, we both know that this is something we want.
Growing up, our house was organized chaos and I crave that in my life. When I babysit C and A, I can't imagine only have two kids because there isn't enough going on all the time! Vanessa thinks I am crazy but I really thrive off having lots of things going on at once. This is when I'm at my best. I know I will probably look back on saying this and think, "man, I was naive" but I don't care. Having kids is the hardest, most rewarding thing anyone can do and I feel like we are up for the challenge.
My Mom used to tell us about the people in our church and how they used to say, "Well, Janie is pregnant again. What else is new?" I want to be like that. If I could be 1/10 the mom that my Mom is, my kids will be really lucky. I cannot wait for the days where I will be running kids to soccer practice and tae kwon do all while running the necessary errands. But, I don't want to bypass the times when our child wakes up in the middle of the night and I can comfort him or her the way no one else can. Am I crazy to want those sleepless nights? Maybe, probably, but I don't think so. Those sleepless nights and crazy times are all a part of being a parent and that is what I want most of all.
Andrew and I do not expect for parenthood to be easy or to go the way we imagine. What we do expect is to have the most joyous moments and the most frustrating moments to go hand in hand. Isn't that what parenthood is all about? Bring on the kiddos!
**Disclaimer: We are NOT planning on having kids right now. There is too much to get through before we can do that.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
on the road again
I just wanted to share with everyone that Andrew is on his way up here as we speak! He hasn't been to Nashville since before Thanksgiving and this will probably be the last time he makes it up here before the big move and the even bigger day!
Of course, he has some requests...SOS for dinner one night (if you don't know what that is, you have been seriously deprived, just ask Laurel) and The Dog for another meal (this is an amazing hot dog place with crazy good onion rings!).
I cannot wait for him to get here so I can give him a big hug and kiss him right on the lips! We are lucky that it has only been two weeks since we've seen each other BUT it will probably be a while before we see each other again.
This weekend should be fun. Tomorrow night, we are registering at Target though I swore I wouldn't because of their terrible return policy. Saturday, we are taking the Beasley boys bowling and then A out to dinner. We also have to figure out what we want to do for vows and talk about whether or not we want to commit to raise our kids Catholic. No, I'm not kidding about that last one.
By the way--today started the OFFICIAL countdown to the wedding...100 days to go! A lot has to happen between now and then but we are stoked to finally have the end/beginning in sight!
**update: Andrew got here safely and in really good time! I wish I didn't have to work today but at least I know I'll be coming home to him!**
Of course, he has some requests...SOS for dinner one night (if you don't know what that is, you have been seriously deprived, just ask Laurel) and The Dog for another meal (this is an amazing hot dog place with crazy good onion rings!).
I cannot wait for him to get here so I can give him a big hug and kiss him right on the lips! We are lucky that it has only been two weeks since we've seen each other BUT it will probably be a while before we see each other again.
This weekend should be fun. Tomorrow night, we are registering at Target though I swore I wouldn't because of their terrible return policy. Saturday, we are taking the Beasley boys bowling and then A out to dinner. We also have to figure out what we want to do for vows and talk about whether or not we want to commit to raise our kids Catholic. No, I'm not kidding about that last one.
By the way--today started the OFFICIAL countdown to the wedding...100 days to go! A lot has to happen between now and then but we are stoked to finally have the end/beginning in sight!
**update: Andrew got here safely and in really good time! I wish I didn't have to work today but at least I know I'll be coming home to him!**
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
...down there...
Tonight, I watched some amazing women tell amazing stories about different women's relationships with themselves. I cannot remember a time when I have felt more uncomfortable and yet more satisfied at the same time in my life.
I have always been one of those people to stray away from the topic of a woman's identity. I would call it "down there" or something equally lame and only occasionally blurt out the real word for the object I was referring to...my vagina.
Yes, that word makes me squirm a little and I don't really like to talk about it. But I have been empowered tonight to open myself (literally and figuratively) to embracing what it means to be a woman. Don't worry, I am not going have a really long post dedicated to my va-jay-jay (as Oprah likes to call it), but I do want to open your eyes to the reason for my eye-opening experience.
Eve Ensler started the Vagina monologues as an off-Broadway show and it has turned into a movement. In 1998, Ensler launched V-Day, a global non profit that has raised over $50 million for women's anti-violence groups through benefits of The Vagina Monologues. V-day celebrations are now held all around the country and an amazing young women at the Vanderbilt Medical School decided to bring it to Vandy's campus. This proceeds from this V-day celebration went to the Nashville Sexual Assault Center and 10% of the net profits from ALL fund-raising efforts were donated to the V-Day 2009 Spotlight: Women of Democratic Republic of Congo.
It has been less than 1 hour since I left Langford Auditorium and I haven't had time to digest what I heard and saw. I am not here to blog about what I learned or how I feel about my womanhood because, frankly, that is WAY to personal to put on anything even close to public. I am here to tell anyone who reads this blog (man or woman) that if you have a chance to see the Vagina Monologues...do it!
Men--you will learn more about a woman that you might ever have before.
Women--if you don't already, you will have a new sense of pride in being a woman.
Believe me. I know that we southern women are not supposed to talk about things like this. Our mothers didn't like to talk about and probably didn't talk about it to us. Our grandmothers might cringe to even think that we would say the word vagina out loud. But that is the past and we are the future of true Southern women.
We should be proud to be women. We should embrace the fact that we have the God-given ability to birth and raise children.We should be proud to have vaginas. There...I said the word yet again and I hope no one has fainted yet.
I have always been one of those people to stray away from the topic of a woman's identity. I would call it "down there" or something equally lame and only occasionally blurt out the real word for the object I was referring to...my vagina.
Yes, that word makes me squirm a little and I don't really like to talk about it. But I have been empowered tonight to open myself (literally and figuratively) to embracing what it means to be a woman. Don't worry, I am not going have a really long post dedicated to my va-jay-jay (as Oprah likes to call it), but I do want to open your eyes to the reason for my eye-opening experience.
Eve Ensler started the Vagina monologues as an off-Broadway show and it has turned into a movement. In 1998, Ensler launched V-Day, a global non profit that has raised over $50 million for women's anti-violence groups through benefits of The Vagina Monologues. V-day celebrations are now held all around the country and an amazing young women at the Vanderbilt Medical School decided to bring it to Vandy's campus. This proceeds from this V-day celebration went to the Nashville Sexual Assault Center and 10% of the net profits from ALL fund-raising efforts were donated to the V-Day 2009 Spotlight: Women of Democratic Republic of Congo.
It has been less than 1 hour since I left Langford Auditorium and I haven't had time to digest what I heard and saw. I am not here to blog about what I learned or how I feel about my womanhood because, frankly, that is WAY to personal to put on anything even close to public. I am here to tell anyone who reads this blog (man or woman) that if you have a chance to see the Vagina Monologues...do it!
Men--you will learn more about a woman that you might ever have before.
Women--if you don't already, you will have a new sense of pride in being a woman.
Believe me. I know that we southern women are not supposed to talk about things like this. Our mothers didn't like to talk about and probably didn't talk about it to us. Our grandmothers might cringe to even think that we would say the word vagina out loud. But that is the past and we are the future of true Southern women.
We should be proud to be women. We should embrace the fact that we have the God-given ability to birth and raise children.We should be proud to have vaginas. There...I said the word yet again and I hope no one has fainted yet.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
frustration
It is Sunday night. I am sitting in my bedroom and bored out of my mind! Sure, there are things I could be doing. I could be reading for class but I'm really not feeling it (sorry, Vanessa!). I could be blog-stalking but I already tried and couldn't find anyone good. I could be watching tv but I have been watching it a lot this weekend and really don't want to watch anymore. So, I'm listening to music and bumming around.
These are the times when I REALLY wish I had some creative juices flowing through me. I can't paint or draw. I can't write poetry or songs. Crafting is not something that I'm good at either. The only thing in the creative realm that I am good at is taking pictures and I do not have a good enough camera to make it a hobby or creative subjects around my house.
The only creative thing I can do is cook and bake. The problem is that cooking and baking just makes my ass get wider and I really want to be able to fit into my wedding dress in May.
This is not about having a pity party for Pallie (great alliteration). In all honesty, blogging about having nothing to do and no ability to create anything is taking up my time. My frustration with this lack of creativity is only enhanced by the fact that I live with my uber-creative sister...creativity oozes from her pores. She can paint, draw, write, craft and knit and that is just the beginning. Our difference in this realm of life is quite evident in our blogs. With me, what you get is what you see. I write about my life in a straight forward, realistic way. Laurel writes with such creativity that even stories I have heard before become interesting again.
So telling you how frustrating it is to live a life devoid of any creative ability in this way does nothing except take up time and prove my lack of creativity. Now, I will just wait until Laurel gets home and can provide some entertainment. God, I love her for that!
These are the times when I REALLY wish I had some creative juices flowing through me. I can't paint or draw. I can't write poetry or songs. Crafting is not something that I'm good at either. The only thing in the creative realm that I am good at is taking pictures and I do not have a good enough camera to make it a hobby or creative subjects around my house.
The only creative thing I can do is cook and bake. The problem is that cooking and baking just makes my ass get wider and I really want to be able to fit into my wedding dress in May.
This is not about having a pity party for Pallie (great alliteration). In all honesty, blogging about having nothing to do and no ability to create anything is taking up my time. My frustration with this lack of creativity is only enhanced by the fact that I live with my uber-creative sister...creativity oozes from her pores. She can paint, draw, write, craft and knit and that is just the beginning. Our difference in this realm of life is quite evident in our blogs. With me, what you get is what you see. I write about my life in a straight forward, realistic way. Laurel writes with such creativity that even stories I have heard before become interesting again.
So telling you how frustrating it is to live a life devoid of any creative ability in this way does nothing except take up time and prove my lack of creativity. Now, I will just wait until Laurel gets home and can provide some entertainment. God, I love her for that!
Friday, February 13, 2009
oh, how it moves me...
There is another love in my life that I haven't ever talked about. Andrew is aware of it and totally fine with the situation. We have been together for such a long time that I can't really remember when the relationship began. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, we have been together through it all.
Amos Lee, Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Brett Dennen, Alan Jackson, Black Eyed Peas, Regina Spektor, Dashboard Confessionals, Corey Smith, Sugarland, Reba...
The songs these people make are a part of my heart and soul. I'm sure my Mom can attest to the fact that ever since the first time I heard "Broken Wing", I have been trying to reach that high note. Laurel can tell you how I kind of transform into a different person when Amos Lee is on my cd player.
I'm not a good singer but I can carry a tune. I played piano when I was younger but probably couldn't play much if I sat down to one. Saxophone and I had an affair for a while but I gave it up when it wasn't cool anymore. I long to be able to play the guitar but I couldn't manage it with my RA.
If there is a song that I am really loving, I will play it over and over until I know all the words by heart...rock me baby like a wagon wheel, rock me baby any way ya' fell, heeeeyyyy Momma rock me...
When a good tune comes on, I can't help but move to it. I don't care if I am in the middle of Kroger, driving down the road or in the privacy of my own bedroom...I have to move to a good beat. It is like the song takes over my body and I can't help but move. BUT a good beat doesn't mean anything to me if the words aren't there (unless the beat is just too good to resist!).
Andrew listens to music for the beat, I listen for the words. I can't tell you how many times we've been driving down the road, listening to a song and I will ask Andrew what they just sang. He could have listened to it a million times and not be able to tell me the words because he never really listened to the lyrics. Maybe that's why we work...he's a beat man and I'm a word woman...put a good beat together with some stellar lyrics and you've got a hit!
The love affairs continues and probably will until I am long gone from the earth. I secretly (though not much of a secret anymore) long to be that amazing singer that gets discovered by accident. Every time a song comes on with an irresistible beat, I kick myself for choosing soccer over dancing and I wish I could just wake up one morning and dance like those people on "So You Think You Can Dance".
In reality, I know that this will always be an unrequited love. I could never be a singer or dancer and I have come to accept that. So for now, I will keep dancing in the aisles of Target, singing my lungs out in the car and waiting patiently for the days when I can sing my babies to sleep.
Amos Lee, Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Brett Dennen, Alan Jackson, Black Eyed Peas, Regina Spektor, Dashboard Confessionals, Corey Smith, Sugarland, Reba...
The songs these people make are a part of my heart and soul. I'm sure my Mom can attest to the fact that ever since the first time I heard "Broken Wing", I have been trying to reach that high note. Laurel can tell you how I kind of transform into a different person when Amos Lee is on my cd player.
I'm not a good singer but I can carry a tune. I played piano when I was younger but probably couldn't play much if I sat down to one. Saxophone and I had an affair for a while but I gave it up when it wasn't cool anymore. I long to be able to play the guitar but I couldn't manage it with my RA.
If there is a song that I am really loving, I will play it over and over until I know all the words by heart...rock me baby like a wagon wheel, rock me baby any way ya' fell, heeeeyyyy Momma rock me...
When a good tune comes on, I can't help but move to it. I don't care if I am in the middle of Kroger, driving down the road or in the privacy of my own bedroom...I have to move to a good beat. It is like the song takes over my body and I can't help but move. BUT a good beat doesn't mean anything to me if the words aren't there (unless the beat is just too good to resist!).
Andrew listens to music for the beat, I listen for the words. I can't tell you how many times we've been driving down the road, listening to a song and I will ask Andrew what they just sang. He could have listened to it a million times and not be able to tell me the words because he never really listened to the lyrics. Maybe that's why we work...he's a beat man and I'm a word woman...put a good beat together with some stellar lyrics and you've got a hit!
The love affairs continues and probably will until I am long gone from the earth. I secretly (though not much of a secret anymore) long to be that amazing singer that gets discovered by accident. Every time a song comes on with an irresistible beat, I kick myself for choosing soccer over dancing and I wish I could just wake up one morning and dance like those people on "So You Think You Can Dance".
In reality, I know that this will always be an unrequited love. I could never be a singer or dancer and I have come to accept that. So for now, I will keep dancing in the aisles of Target, singing my lungs out in the car and waiting patiently for the days when I can sing my babies to sleep.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
the countdown...
is officially on!
There are 114 days until our wedding. No, I did not come up with that number on my own...there is a countdown on our wedding website!
So much has already been accomplished and yet there is so much left to do. The big stuff is completed and now it is down to the nitty gritty:
invitations, guest book, centerpieces, flowers, schedule for the day, ceremony, vows, hair and getting it all to come together before the wedding
I am so lucky to have had help from Laurel and my Mom...even Andrew has given his opinion on lots of things and taken up some tasks of his own!
The day could not come soon enough! There is a 6 hour drive between us and we only get to see each other on the occasional weekend and even then, only for a couple of hours. I miss him like crazy and cannot wait until the distance is behind us and we have our lives together to look forward to.
There are 114 days until our wedding. No, I did not come up with that number on my own...there is a countdown on our wedding website!
So much has already been accomplished and yet there is so much left to do. The big stuff is completed and now it is down to the nitty gritty:
invitations, guest book, centerpieces, flowers, schedule for the day, ceremony, vows, hair and getting it all to come together before the wedding
I am so lucky to have had help from Laurel and my Mom...even Andrew has given his opinion on lots of things and taken up some tasks of his own!
The day could not come soon enough! There is a 6 hour drive between us and we only get to see each other on the occasional weekend and even then, only for a couple of hours. I miss him like crazy and cannot wait until the distance is behind us and we have our lives together to look forward to.
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